The Intra-destructive Existentialistics I Face
It’s like after 1:30am and I know I need to get up in a few hours to go to school, and work. I can’t sleep.
There are so many thoughts spinning around my head and I haven’t said anything to anybody about them. I probably won’t. It doesn’t help me that I have the stress of graduation on my mind and what’s going to come about of that, along with all of my personal feelings. In reality, a lot of people wouldn’t care to read this but I don’t give one rat ass about that, to be honest. I just need to put it all down and let it out.
My stomach turns whenever I think about this and I hope I can someday find a reason why. It has been over a month, a good five weeks now since I ended my last relationship, but unlike other relationships I have had in my past, I just cannot get past it and get over her.
Each time I think about her–and you can quote me on this because it really happens–I feel my world grind to a halt. Time slows down to a dead stop. I feel the line between real and unreal blur into a smudge. When I look at her when I feel this way, my stomach turns upside down and the urge to vomit dances in my body, but not my throat like real vomitting would. I can listen to everything that goes on but I can’t hear it. When I see her face, I always flash back to the very first time we kissed. Always. I see the smile and her eyes.
I want to let it go, but I know inside, past my reality checks, I still have something for her. If I could call them feelings, I would be lying. I don’t know what to call it. That indescribable feeling you have for someone. Like a primal instinct but less dramatic and more personal. Could this be obsession? Is this what the feeling obsession is? Am I so far gone into her that I have undoubtedly crossed the threshold between sanity and eternal, emotional damnation!?
I want to let go. I really do. When I try, when I think about someone else, I have no problem in wondering what things would be like if I had a relationship with them, etc. etc., just like anyone else probably would. But when I think about how she would feel–even if I don’t; sometimes just a certain smell, or a familiar object–distorts everything I am thinking and condemns me to suffer momentarily while I flashback to the good times we had, the bad times, the laughs, the fights, the kisses, the tears.
They don’t feel like regular memories though. I feel like sometimes these thoughts are being forced upon me and someone or something is not letting me let it down. Someone or something is not letting me move on. Someone or something is not letting me forget all the wrong I have done to her and put her through. Like I’m just a marionette and darkness is looming over me and making me dance this damned mess to be called “bad experiences.”
Why can’t things be normal for me?
When will I be able to let go?
I fight this each and every time. I fight for my own sanity using whatever strength I have left inside my heart. When I turned on my iPod and hit Shuffle, the first song title was “Blurry”… Song five on the 804-track list was “Broken”… song six was “Watch Your Words”… The nineth song was “How Long”… If that is nothing but a coincidence, please someone shoot me down and end it all now. I don’t know who or what is trying to get my attention–be it God, my savior, or otherwise–but my attention is in full and present. If You have something to show me or to tell me, come out and show me. Come out and tell me what You want me to hear, what You want me to say.
I know this has to do with the relationship Sarah (out of the kindness of my heart, her name is not really Sarah) and I shared together for three months 26 days. 3+26=29. 29 minus the letters in her real first name equal 23. If you ever saw the movie “Number 23″ you’d understand that. Everything si way too strong in my head and in how I feel for this to all be just some nut crap that’s just happening now because now is as good a time as any, when in direct interspection, this is the worst time.
This is THE worst time right now for me because I have come to a conclusion the following: a- my job could take a turn for the good or just suck forever, b- I may not graduate on time or at all because of multiple influences, c- the way I feel towards a female may always be scarred because of the issues I am facing today.
It is safe for me to say that I am suffering right now and I just want to move on. I tell everyone that I’m bored with being single, and for those who just laughed in my face, I hope hell freezes over when you arrive because I was as serious as a heart attack and I will mean this more than anyone will quite understand. When my thoughts clash together in a conglomerate of chaos and all I want to do is watch the building I’m in explode violently with a shockwave of screams, I know there’s more to it than just obsession.
I am not obsessed. Obsession would have driven me to bother the hell out of her each and every day. I did that for a week and then gave up. I stopped text messaging her. I stopped contacting her altogether. Each time I get a message from her my stomach dances the Irish jig in my body and gives me a royal ass-kicking. My emotions bomb out and the flatline of my attention span is deafening. The only thing that doesn’t go is my vision. Why? because I need to see what the f!@# this is doing to me just for kicks! Because why the f!@# not!? Who gives a s!@# what happens!? For all I know, I ingested a some hallucinogenic drug a while back and the effects of it are permanently ground into my system and I relapse from the immunities and have a meltdown of all sane thoughts and ideas for just long enough to overcome my anger.
Sometimes, I feel like I float. Sometimes my felling of equilibrium is demolished in the mental explosion and I no longer feel coordinated. I don’t fall. I don’t get dizzy. I don’t forget where I am. I know damn well where I am and what I’m doing. My conscious is active in its entirety and I am aware–albeit more than I would like–of all that is happening.
How do I brush it off? “Oh… I was just zoning out…” Yes. Zone. I entered a zone that only my mind and emotions can create and enjoy. The sick disjointedness of this zone is only known to me. Everyone else, there is just an absence of thought. Can the arm be detatached? Why not!?
I still love her. I’m not attracted to her. I still love her. This is as close as I can get to understanding what goes on inside my mind. I love her like someone never should, because I am the only one that can love her this way. I told her nobody will ever love her like I do, and now it makes sense. As I write this down, small pieces come together. Not enough to explain why I suffer each time I even smell something I remember I smelled when I saw her one day when I went over to her house just to hang out and as I waited for her to open the door I thought about that smell and how good it smelled. How associations like that can cripple me, I don’t know.
That means I have to destroy my bed, my pillows, my shoes, all of my clothes, the company that makes the fabric softener I use, the company that makes the shampoo and conditioner I use, my iPod, Apple, Inc., the iTunes music service, the city of Portland, Toyota, the entire state of Oregon, Nissan, my camera, my keys, my alarm clock, my cell phone, Sprint, Washington Mutual, CMT, the person who invented Country Music, the band Rascal Flatts, the Rascal Flatts cd I own, Ticketmaster, the Tacoma Dome, Samsung, Monster Jam, Grave Digger, Tacoma, Marshall High School, Chautauqua Boulevard, the house we stayed in on that street, Fred Meyer, bowling alleys as a whole, the sport of bowling, diary queen, the legality of ice cream, whole milk, the Aquamarine gemstone, white gold, CapitalOne, the area code 503, the state of Mississippi, MySpace, Facebook, HP, Nascar, American Idol, Hells Kitchen, Nintendo, Every movie she owns, everything I came into contact with that she owns, the clothes of mine she has and I don’t want back (for reasons that should be damned clear by now), Sony, the PlayStation II, Grand theft Auto: SA, Honda, my car, Scott Stapp, Creed, Christian Music, my church, and much more.
There are so many things that can destroy my life as I know it. I just want to control it. I want to truely move on. I feel in order to do that, I need someone to jump-start that for me. I need someone to tell me how they feel for me. I need to feel something for someone who would even remotely feel the same way about me, even for a moment. I need a kiss. A seal of trust. I have no one right now and this void is collapsing and the sheer is exponential.
Go Media Goes X
After the mass success of the first nine vector art sets by GoMedia, Inc., these geniuses release their 10th
set, the fun just keeps going! As you can tell just from the image to the right what you’re getting is another incredible installation of superb graphics and designs that really bring out the pro in many people, including me. (coming soon)
Let’s go over some of the highlights of this release, including some returning heavyweights.
Lightning
Every good artist needs an electric personality. Unfortunately, some of the greatest artists of all times were ashamed to show their faces and weren’t quite hot with the ladies. If Da Vinci had lightning vectors to supplement his artwork, he’d be rocking today.
What GM says: Lightning is a robust assortment of various lightning vector shapes, both realistic and cartoony. Add an outer glow to any realistic lightning bolt and you instantly have some photo-realistic lighting to add to your piece. Insane!
These are hand drawn by us, so they are unique. Look out!
File Format: EPS
File Size: 3.3 MB
Number of Items in Set: 28
Cute Stuff
Who says killer art has to be all masculine and nothing but a sausage fest? If you were bothered by the description I just gave which totally stereotyped art and awesomeness then Cute Stuff is something you want to add to your collection. I promise you, you will not be disappointed by the contents of this package in Set 10. Don’t worry, that time of the month won’t be included and you can break up with Cute Stuff at any time, without having to worry about it taking half of your stuff… unless you use it in half of your stuff, then it’ll always have it’s mark. Good luck.
Cute Stuff is a silly selection of all those cute and trendy round monsters and bubbly shapes you are seeing lately. We’ve premade a bunch of those elements for you to use.
Very cartoony and urban feeling. Now you can feel free to submit a design on Threadless and have a chance at winning!
File Format: EPS
File Size: 1.8 MB
Number of Items in Set: 40
Blood Drips
This third pack brings a new style to the table. If you ever punched someone in the face before, you know that blood runs in a downward motion. Let’s showcase that and throw in some blood. Maybe it’s not really blood, maybe it’s a wet paint drip or someone spilled syrup on your wall?
Blood Drips is a series of extremely versatile brush shapes that resemble blood or ink. These can be made into Illustrator Brushes for some really cool creative ideas.
Try making these into your own Illustrator brushes and drawing some letters to write your name in blood. Nice!
I want the gold!
File Format: EPS
File Size: 1.9 MB
Number of Items in Set: 29
That is only the first three in this set, and I wish I could show you more. There’s an even better idea than that, head over to GoMedia’s Arsenal and check out Set X for yourself! I promise you, you will enjoy Set X just as much if not more than the previous nine children GoMedia has given birth to.
SOME OF THE PRECEDING CONTENT WAS USED WITH PERMISSION FROM GOMEDIA, INC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED AND NO CONTENT BELONGING TO GOMEDIA, INC. OR JOHNATHAN LYMAN MAY BE COPIED WITHOUT PRIOR PERMISSION FROM THE AUTHOR. THIS INCLUDES BOX ART AND COMMENTARY TAKEN FROM WWW.GOMEDIA.US/ARSENAL. GOMEDIA, INC. CONTENT COPYRIGHT © GOMEDIA, INC. THE GOMEDIA ARSENAL MAY NOT BE REDISTRIBUTED OR RESOLD IN ANY FASHION WHATSOEVER. FOR CURRENT TERMS AND CONDITIONS, PLEASE EMAIL arsenal@gomedia.us DIRECTLY.
When Looking For New Hot Music
I was browsing around the iTunes Store and was tired of all the stuff I saw there. I chose the Radio option instead for a little change just to see what would pop up.
After browsing the Pop/Rock category for about fifteen minutes, I stumbled across a station called (RadioPhile) and it’s enormous collection of music they play. I was very surprised. They played a lot of music I had heard before which was nice but I also heard a lot of tracks I haven’t in many years or haven’t heard before ever! With streams in 32kbps, 64kbps, and 128kbps, there’s a rockin’ stream for everyone.
If you don’t check out (RadioPhile) you will be sorry. I’m so glad I started listening to this station and you’ll be, too.
Can There Be?
No, I think there cannot.
People are stupid. Education systems are stupid. There cannot be.
After Dark Series: Snowcap Lakeshore
ADS: Snowcap Lakeshore by ~raidsilver on deviantART
After Dark Series: The Pursuit
ADS: The Pursuit by ~raidsilver on deviantART
I love this one. I still am in shock by how well I got this one to turn out. With all the ADS renders, and pretty much any render I do, I bloom them a little bit to give a surreal effect. This one… it’s just… wow.
After Dark Series: Calm After the Storm
ADS: Calm After the Storm by ~raidsilver on deviantART
What Do You Do When You’re Broke?
Well, you keep running for president.
At least that’s what Hillary Clinton is doing, as she has no money left because she has spent it all. Hillary has made the most out of all of the campaigners for the ‘08 President seat, and guess what, she blows it all.
Hillary has always been about our country’s economy, which is fine by me. However, there comes a point where you can only talk about the economy (or anything else that involves money) when you, yourself, have it to spend. You cannot be in debt and want to manage a nation’s budget. No. It just does not work that way!
Hillary Rodham Clinton is $7.6 MILLION in debt right now, according to Politico and damn it all to hell if she wins but wait… that’s “…not including the $5 million personal loan she gave to her campaign in the run-up to the critical Super Tuesday elections, according to financial reports released Wednesday.”
Woman, you now officially suck at life and your face scares small children. It is official. You have lost any chance of me voting for you.
“…the Clinton report paints a picture of a one-time front-runner under enormous pressure after miscalculating that she would wrap up the nomination before or on Feb. 5… [a]ccording to the reports, Clinton raised about $20 million in January, including her loan. She spent … $29 million during the month … $2 million[+] of the red ink is owed to chief consultant and adviser, Mark Penn … the lengthy laundry list of IOUs also includes unpaid bills ranging from insurance coverage, phone banking, printing and catering at events in Iowa, New Hampshire and California … Obama won every one of [the Super Tuesday States Hillary could not afford] on Feb. 5, opening up a critical lead among pledged delegates…”
Cloverfield
I don’t know what to say…
Pack It In… Pack It In Tight
I don’t know about you but there’s nothing wrong with making a compact car that can still have a good amount of room to transport people and cargo. The Corolla does a goob job of that and even the Civic has a good name.
I would like to remind my readers that this here is America and we are a bit bigger than the folks over in Japan. We are, as my tagline up top of my blog has said before, Hugantic. We own the title of ruling with huganticism and that’s how we are.
This car, on the other hand, is the exact opposite. It’s small. It’s Minisculantic. That is a new word I am adding to my personal dictionary as I type. It’s a car that does better as something that sits on a kid’s bookshelf with the ‘69 Mustang and the ‘67 Chevelle SS 454 that he’s put together and collected over the few blatantly insane years he’s been alive.
I say nay to this vechile.
